Vasectomy

Friday morning my Dad picked me up and when I got in the car I looked at him and said…”let’s do this”. He dropped me off at Billinkoff’s and after a lengthy discussion about waiting around for me I told him to go and that I would be fine getting home. Once I was inside I had that feeling you get when on a big roller coaster on the way up for the first time. A mix of “did I really need to do this” and “no turning back now” all at the same time.

Dr. Billinkoff called me in and wasted no time. “Strip down to just your t-shirt, by the way my son talked me into watching the Avengers the other night…”.

“Did you like it I asked?” – “Not really, I fell asleep halfway through.”

At this point I am thinking a first appointment in the morning was genius on my part. The Doc is well rested and still in the mood for some banter. He told me to get up on the table and I was happy to find there was no stirrup situation. I wondered what dignity shredding position I was going to be in for this procedure. I figured stirrups or standing and he was just going to lie down on a skateboard like a mechanic and slide right under me. Instead it was flat on your back and I kinda felt like I was at the dentist, until he wrapped an elastic band on old one eye and tossed him to the side. Then it got weird…”your going to feel a pinch”. That’s what they always say right before a needle, except this time he should have said “it’s going to feel like your right testicle is being sucked on by a gorilla”.

He put on an episode of “Home Improvement“, the one where Tim is considering a vasectomy. I laughed a couple times during the procedure and he told me it wasn’t a good idea. I wondered why he didn’t put on “Schindler’s List” or something a little more bland. Instead all Tim’s buddies were making jokes about his manhood and holding up big hedge clippers and whatnot. It was the best worst thing I could have been watching.

Not long after the show started the Doc reached over to his desk for something and it felt like he took righty with him. I winced a little and he looked at me funny and said “you can feel that?”. He asked if I ever had issues with freezing before and told me he was going to add “another gallon”. I felt that “pinch” again. After that it was pretty painless up to the end. I didn’t even get to see the end of “Home Improvement”. The whole thing took about 15 mins. You also get a little talk from the nurse about how to take care of yourself and how important it is to drop off a sperm sample in 3 months. She said it was important to make sure I had my paperwork when I dropped off my sample because “there are a lot of hands involved in the process and things get lost”. That took me to a dirty place and before I knew it I was limping down Waterfront Drive looking for a cab.

Bosak called while I was walking home and of course he insisted on leaving work and coming to get me. This is the same guy who was building me a carport 3 days after his “V”. Thanks Paul, it seems like you are always there when I need you most.

I spent the first day on the couch catching up on “Shameless” and eating fast food. I was supposed to go to poker that night but when I got up for the first time around 7pm I think the freezing was gone and it felt painful to move. Everyone I talk to says the pain is different for everyone. Nolan rode his bike home after his! For me it just didn’t feel like a good idea to head out and be in pain all night playing cards. I even took Monday off this week. Tuesday I was still limping around a bit and getting up and down on the floor with the kids was challenging. I felt a little better this morning but there was still that dull ache and I think my jeans were a little snug around the main floor. By the end of the day I couldn’t wait to get my pants off. It’s like a catchers mitt down there. My goal is play a little hockey on Saturday but we will see.

Not much sympathy from the wife, or anyone else in the c-section club. In fact anyone who has had a baby doesn’t take too kindly to my moaning. Lexi’s daycare provider saw me limping a bit and I told her I had a little day surgery. Told her I had a vasectomy and she chuckled…”surgery” she said. Lexi told all the mom’s at playgroup that I couldn’t pick her up because I had stitches. I have no idea where that came from but they all had a good laugh.

Hoping tomorrow will be much better.